My Chemical Romance fanfic. Gerard/Mikey. Gerard thought maybe Mikey was slipping away. Mikey thought maybe Gerard was slipping away. Then an incident happened and made Mikey certain that Gerard was slipping away for real.
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12 Mar 2008 Cập nhật:
12 Mar 2008
Chapel In A Hospital bởi Sinne
Fandom: My Chemical Romance
Warning: language, slash, incest
Disclaimer: This never happened. At least I think so.
Summary: Gerard thought maybe Mikey was slipping away. Mikey thought maybe Gerard was slipping away. Then an incident happened and made Mikey certain that Gerard was slipping away for real.
A/N: It's like a bad trainwreck that you want to stop but you just can't because it's too late and you just have to go with it till the end, but you don't know where the end is. I'm also a bit influenced by this very cool Pete/Gerard fic called "Just Off The Key Of Reason". The fic title comes from Fall Out Boy's "Hum Hallelujah": I love you in the same way there's a chapel in the hospital.
Chapel In A Hospital
Gerard couldn’t remember clearly now, but perhaps it was at one of those mindless after-show parties that Mikey sort of grasped at his sleeve to catch his attention and there was just this strange look in Mikey’s eyes that made him stop amidst raucous laughter and drunken highs. Lyn-Z’s touches seemed to dim into the background, and Mikey’s cold fingers were heavy on his wrist even though they were just lightly touching his skin. Mikey was fumbling with words in his head – Gerard knew the signs because he had known his little brother his whole damn life – and it was strange because he couldn’t remember the last time Mikey fumbled with words in front of him. After all, he couldn’t even remember the last time they had a proper conversation to be fumbling with words.
“Are you… free tomorrow?”
The words tumbling out of Mikey’s mouth sounded awkward and wrong and they struck something in Gerard, but the high of the party was still burning strongly enough in his veins for him to laugh it off.
“Yeah, yeah, I guess so. You know our schedule, Mikey.”
He could feel the fingers on his wrist press down a little bit more. “No, I mean you. Can we… go somewhere tomorrow?”
Gerard was too bemused by the question to think carefully about it before answering. “Oh… I don’t know. I’ll ask Lyn-Z to check if we have any plans. I mean…” There was that look in Mikey’s eyes again, and he knew it was the wrong answer. “I mean… yeah, sure. You mean, just you and me? Yeah, sure. It’s… yeah, okay.”
“Are you sure?”
Gerard nodded and extracted himself from Lyn-Z to turn fully to his brother. She didn’t notice. Mikey’s fingers on his sleeve lifted. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.
“It’s good to be back.” Mikey smiled, a small but genuine smile, and Gerard forgot how to breathe for a moment because it suddenly struck him how it was still the same smile as it was years ago – when Mikey was still his shy and awkward kid brother that would sit for hours in his room to watch him draw and babble on and on about comic books. His eyes trailed the sharp angles of Mikey’s face and hair and coat, desperately trying to find familiarities to that kid from so long ago.
“Yeah… it’s good to have you back.” He raised his hand to ruffle Mikey’s hair affectionately. The unfamiliar brown strands felt familiarly soft underneath his fingers.
Morning came with this sort of nervous apprehension that slightly reminded him of the first time they went onstage as My Chemical Romance. Gerard then wanted to hit himself over the head because he was just going to hang out with Mikey – his little brother – and there was nothing out of the ordinary about that. Only there was, because they hadn’t hung out for god knew how long. Months? Years? Gerard then wondered if Mikey even remembered what he had asked him the night before. However, all doubts were cleared as there was a knock on the door and Mikey’s head popped in when he opened it.
“You up yet?”
Gerard smiled back, although he thought it was a little awkward, and fumbled with the hem of his coat and his scarf, quickly glancing at the sleeping form of his new wife on the bed. “Um. Yeah. Ready?” He wanted to ask where they were going, but for some reasons, he couldn’t. Mikey nodded lightly, and just like that, they were out of the door and into the cold morning of the first days of winter.
“I like your shirt.” Mikey said casually without looking back at him, but there was a fond smile upon his lips. Gerard looked down at his outfit – it was one of his ancient band t-shirt, faded and splattered with dark paint – jeans, and Converse. He felt eighteen all over again. He felt like Gerard Way – the failed comic artist, not Gerard Way – vocalist of international rock band My Chemical Romance. He felt like Mikey’s hermitic older brother.
“Thanks. I like your hoodie as well.” Mikey wasn’t wearing one of his sharp-cut coats today. He was wearing a dark hoodie, the soft stretch of fabric hiding his unnaturally straightened brown locks and the sharp angles of his face. For a moment, Gerard could pretend they were Gee and Mikey all over again on the streets of New Jersey, going downtown to shop for comics and art supplies and records.
They walked down the street from their hotel, and when they reached the first Starbucks, it was an instant silent agreement to go in and get two hot lattes. The fuzzy warm smell of hot coffee helped to calm Gerard’s nerves, and when Mikey led him into Barns & Noble, he was only slightly surprised. It had been ages since he last stepped into a proper bookstore, not counting comic shops.
“Remember working here?”
Gerard snorted and laughed into his scarf.
“Best shitty job you’ve ever got, eh?”
“Thanks to you.”
When Mikey stood next to him, Mikey’s arm pressed against his side by side. It felt warm and familiar and comforting. He mumbled “missed you” into Mikey’s shoulder when they were walking up the stairs and he was pressed against Mikey’s back. Mikey turned to him and laughed out loud “Jesus Christ, you’re such a girl, Gee!” but he let out the words “missed you too” just very lightly when he turned away again.
Once again, Gerard wanted to ask what this was all about, but he couldn’t. Not when he could catch glimpses of that familiar smile underneath the soft stretch of the hoodie Mikey was wearing.
“Yeah?” Mikey smiled, and it was teasing and awkward at the same time.
“What… Where are we going?”
“To the past. What do you think?” Gerard wasn’t sure if it was meant to be poetic, melancholic, or merely sarcastic. Mikey kept a straight face. Gerard wasn’t sure how to reply to that, so he didn’t. They were in a music shop, the old kind that sold exclusive and rare vinyls they both used to dream after in their teenage years, the kind they often went in after school to stare at the delicate treasures for hours. It was the kind of shop that looked faded and vibrant at the same time.
“I missed you,” Mikey repeated for the upteenth time, but Gerard couldn’t get enough of it anyway, so he kept silent. “Are you happy?”
“With what?” Life, love, everything inbetween.
“Oh. Yeah. I’m really, really happy. Probably the happiest I’ve ever been, being in love with someone.”
“Why did you do it?”
Mikey was asking him all these questions as if they had just met again for the first time in ten years and they hadn’t talked about this since months before already.
“Do what? Marry her?”
“Because I love her?”
“Why did you end that with a question mark?”
Gerard shrugged. Mikey ended that topic of conversation with “Happiness is a very unhappy concept.” He wasn’t sure what Mikey was trying to get at (he didn’t want to get it), but he didn’t ask. They were happy to leave it at that. Perhaps. Gerard wanted to ask his brother the same thing about his marriage, but he didn’t dare to. He didn’t want to hear the answer. He’d seen the look in Mikey’s eyes.
“Let’s do something wild and crazy.”
Gerard laughed. “Mikey, we’re not fifteen.”
At the end of their day out, they found themselves in an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere. Mikey said “let’s watch the sunset together”, and Gerard was reminded of the million times he had dragged Mikey to random places in their neighbourhood to watch the sunset – seemingly the only beautiful and sacred thing left in that place.
“What, we’re not fifteen and not allowed to dream anymore? What have you been preaching to the kids, Gee?”
And just like that, just like that… Gerard found himself pressed against a wall of a building out in the middle of nowhere, Mikey’s lips hot upon his. The kiss was slow and desperate, and Gerard felt lost more than ever. He felt the urge to cry out that this was wrong, and Mikey was his little brother for god’s sake, but once again, he could do nothing.
“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” Mikey half laughed half sobbed into the crook of Gerard’s neck. He couldn’t help a shiver running down his spine as Mikey’s teeth scratched his skin lightly. He hated himself for it. This was his little brother.
All of sudden, they were fifteen and eighteen all over again.
“Look, Mikey, you’re too young to understand what you’re doing. Is that what you’re gonna say now? And are you gonna run away for months after that again? You have no college to run to now. But then again, you have your wife now, haven’t you?”
He thought Mikey sounded bitter, but he wasn’t sure.
“I could be an accident, if that’s what you want.” Mikey mumbled into his scarf, and Gerard paused for a few seconds before he laughed out loud, completely breaking the moment.
“Did you honestly just quote Fall Out Boy lyrics? Seriously? You’ve been hanging out with Pete Wentz way too much, Mikey Way.”
Mikey laughed, too, and pushed away, playfully punching his shoulder blade. Gerard thought the punch was slightly stronger than it should have been.
“What should I have done? Quoting you? ‘The collision of your kiss makes it so hard’?”
And it was okay between them again, the kiss buried and forgotten again under half-hearted lame jokes. Gerard sort of wanted to cry in frustration, but then his phone rang and he didn’t have the time to. Lyn-Z wanted to know where he was and if he was coming back for dinner.
Their interaction was no longer smooth and fluid – it was jagged and broken and awkward – and both of them just desperately tried to smooth it over with half-hearted smiles and hesitant pats on the back, but it never worked.
One day when all of them were walking down the road to somewhere, just hanging out and having fun, Gerard intentionally hung back and let Mikey walk far ahead with all the other guys. Frank’s arm was slung across his brother’s shoulders. All he could see was Mikey’s back and his mop of brown locks, getting further and further away from him on the road, and he thought to himself that, wow, this was pretty damn metaphorical. Gerard sort of wanted to throw up a little bit in his mouth at this, although he hadn’t had a drop of alcohol.
For some strange reasons, one late afternoon, Gerard found just himself and Mikey sprawled out on the couch in the tour bus’ living room. This was a new, different tour, and Lyn-Z wasn’t there because she had a tour with her band as well. All the other guys had gone out – somewhere – for what Gerard didn’t know, and suddenly it was just the two of them basked in the silence of dying sunlight and humid haze.
Gerard was lying face down on the couch, his cheek pressed uncomfortably against the rough texture, limbs tired and loosely flailed all over the place. Mikey was sitting comfortably in a corner of the couch, knees tucked under his chin, completely immersed in his Sidekick. Probably with his wife.
It was peaceful and comforting and for the first time in a long while, Gerard felt close to Mikey. Still, there was something bubbling underneath all this, and suddenly he just blurted out the first thought in his head.
“I want to go back home.”
“You can book the ticket and fly back to Jersey next week. We’re off then.” Mikey didn’t even look up from his Sidekick.
“No, I don’t mean as a holiday. I want to come back home for good. And never come back here again. I mean, never being on tour again.”
Mikey was silent for a while. Just when Gerard started to think Mikey hadn’t even heard what he’d said, his brother spoke up.
“Do you miss home?”
Gerard shook his head lightly, face still pressed against the couch, eyes half-closed. “No, it’s not that… It’s just… I don’t know. I just want to go home and never come back.”
“Um, bro, are you saying that you want to settle down with your wife and have a nice family with ten kids in Jersey?”
He could hear the smile in Mikey’s tone – shaky and unsure and worried.
“You know that’s not what I mean, Mikey.”
“I have no idea what you ever mean anymore.” Mikey’s voice was clipped and maybe a little harsh. He thought that maybe he really did deserve that. When Gerard failed to answer, Mikey straightened up and finally threw his Sidekick aside to look at his brother. “Are you saying that you want to quit?” Mikey’s voice cracked a little at the last word even though he tried to hide it. It sort of broke Gerard’s heart a bit more. “Have you finally lost it?”
It made Gerard feel like a loser all over again. The feeling was all too familiar. He had made his little brother disappointed again. He was Mikey’s failure of a brother again. Years after the pills and the booze, and he still couldn’t make his brother proud. What kind of big brother was he?
“Gerard? Gee? Are you serious?”
Mikey’s tone was urgent and pleading, and Gerard really wanted to throw up in his mouth again, even though he hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol for a long long time and he hadn’t eaten anything earlier either.
“Nah, forget I said anything. It was just a random thought. Random moment.” Gerard half-smiled. It was to reassure his brother or himself, he wasn’t sure. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, all the while reveling in the feeling of his brother’s watchful eyes trailing over his body.
He later woke up to Mikey draping half of himself over his body, hands curling, gripping tightly at his shirt as if never to let him go.
“Mikey Way, I love you.”
This was said after a crazy show, right after they stepped off the stage and into the corridor to the changing room. Gerard’s eyes were so wild and bright and it made Mikey’s heart skip a beat right there. Perhaps it was the adrenaline rushing through his veins, but as he grabbed Mikey in a headlock and snaked his other arm tightly around his brother’s back, no words ever sounded truer.
“I love you too, bro.” Mikey replied without missing a beat, as it was something they had said to each other a thousand times before, but they knew there was something different lurking underneath this time. They both remained frozen in the seemingly brotherly hug, bodies pressed flush against each other. Their faces were so close, for a moment Mikey thought they would lean in and kiss right there in front of everyone, but then Gerard pulled away. Gerard jumped away to the changing room, laughing a little hysterically, slapping Frank’s back on his way, making the smaller man stumble and curse outloud.
When Mikey glanced sideways, he caught sight of Bob looking at him a little oddly then glancing at Gerard, but the drummer said nothing.
One day, Gerard collapsed on stage during “Give ‘Em Hell, Kid”. Gerard only realized what was going to happen maybe a few seconds into the song and about thirty seconds before it actually happened. His body temperature suddenly dropped, his limbs felt so much heavier to coordinate, and the world darkened before his eyes. He immediately swayed backwards to look at Mikey when he realized something was wrong, but he could only send his brother one last helpless look before his limbs completely stopped functioning on his brain’s orders and the cold dark ground rushed at him at an alarming speed.
He didn’t even know when he hit the ground. The darkness behind his eyelids was pulsing and thrumming with this weird lighting, and he felt sick, he felt so sick he could throw up everything he had eaten a week before. The world felt freezing cold and so far away, and he felt utterly alone and lost in that cold darkness. He could vaguely feel a hand running down his face, but his body felt too numb to recognize whom it belonged to.
If Mikey was confused when Gerard suddenly turned to look at him with an unsteady sway and a petrified look in his eyes, he was completely horrified when his brother’s eyelids fluttered closed and his body fell to the floor with a resounding screech of the microphone. He stood frozen there for a few seconds for the sight in front of him to catch up with his brain, and when it finally did, he was on Gerard the very next moment. He felt something heavy, steel heavy, drop to the bottom of his stomach when he touched Gerard’s face and found it freezing to the tips of his fingers.
Funny thing was, if this had happened a couple of years ago, Mikey would have rolled his eyes and shaken his head and gone ahead to kick at Gerard’s crumpled body to wake him up from his drunken stupor. Right then, Mikey was just at a loss at what to do because he had no idea what was wrong. Just minutes before the show, Gerard was still joking and laughing normally with all of them backstage, his face relaxed and his breath normal. Mikey knew Gerard hadn’t had a drop of alcohol for a long time. That ruled out drunkenness and drug-induced incidents and instead dragged in the unwanted conclusion of a medical problem. Mikey suddenly felt numb all over. The roar of the audience felt far away.
When they finally got Gerard backstage, Mikey was a tiny bit relieved when he realized Gerard was not completely passed out – his eyelids just seemed too heavy for him to open. Soon that relief evaporated as Gerard started dry-heaving and clawing desperately at the person closest to him – Mikey. His grip was weak and cold and it was the most painful thing Mikey had ever felt. Everyone was around them, faces confused and solemn and worried, all asking him the same thing over and over – “what’s wrong with Gerard?” – as if he knew everything, and Mikey just shook his head furiously, feeling completely lost.
Mikey almost had a heart attack when Gerard’s grip on his shirt suddenly weakened noticeably, but then Gerard rolled his head to the side to look at him through half-lidded eyes, his voice came out small and hoarse.
“I-I’m fine… don’t worry…”
The way Gerard slowly moved his mouth, as if it drained him to talk, it just broke Mikey’s heart.
“What happened, Gee?” His own voice sounded childish and helpless, and suddenly he felt so young.
“I don’t know.”
When they finally got a doctor to check up on Gerard, it turned out he had collapsed because of low blood pressure and exhaustion. Mikey was bewildered and furious when the doctor told him Gerard said he couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten. Mikey wasn’t sure he was angry because Gerard hadn’t told him or because he had never noticed anything. He was still angrily debating inside his head when he banged into the room Gerard was resided in.
“What, now you’ve decided to go and get an eating disorder to complete the collection? What the fuck is this I hear about you not eating, Gerard?”
“It’s not like that, Mikey.”
Mikey wondered why he had never realized how pale Gerard looked these days. He was paler than he had ever been in his vampire make-up. Almost pale blue. He looked… pale and sunken. This, whatever this was, had apparently been going on for a while. It horrified and angered him. Once again, he wasn’t sure if all these emotions were directed at his brother or at himself.
“Then what is it like, Gee?”
Gerard had the nerves to look sheepish and guilty. “It’s not like I intentionally stopped eating. It’s just… now and then I didn’t really feel like eating. Like, I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t think I needed to eat. I never thought it was serious, that it would… come to this. I swear it wasn’t intentional, Mikey. It’s not an eating disorder. You know me better than that.”
Mikey wanted to hit his brother over the head and say ‘no, I don’t think I do anymore’, but that would hurt too much, so he didn’t. Instead, he just hit his brother over the head.
Gerard laughed along nervously, silently rolling over the real reason on the tip of his tongue – being around Mikey again just made him too nauseous sometimes, he didn’t think he could stomach any food if he tried.
Gerard was back to the tour bus in no time, and the bus was once again conveniently deserted as everyone went out for Gerard to get his ‘rest’. Mikey stayed, because his brother was moping about and he needed an audience.
“You know I love you, right?”
“Have a smoke, Gerard.”
“No, seriously, Mikey.”
“What do you want me to say?” Mikey sighed, still punching out sweet nothings to his wife on his Sidekick, or at least that was what Gerard thought he was doing. Gerard wondered what his own wife was doing right now.
“You could say ‘I love you too’ back to me for a start!”
Just for the record, the setting was still the same as last time – Gerard lying face down on the couch and Mikey sitting with his knees tucked under his chin in a corner.
“Gerard, if you want something, come out and say it.” Mikey was sick of this. He was sick of Gerard pulling and then pushing away, never making up his mind.
Gerard was silent for a while before speaking up again, his voice small and hesitant. “I love you.” And they both knew this ‘I love you’ had a different connotation to the previous one.
“I love you too. What do you suggest we do about it?” Mikey’s reply was flat and perhaps a little angry, but Gerard thought he deserved it.
“We can’t. We can’t do anything.”
“So let’s not bother trying anything, right?” Mikey’s voice was monotonous, but Gerard wasn’t his brother for over twenty years to not realize the hurt and exasperation under it. Still, there was nothing he could say to that, so it was silence once again. Gerard curled up on himself and tried to drift to sleep, feeling Mikey’s gaze on anywhere but him.
Back when they were still teenagers, fourteen running to sixteen, Mikey often sat for hours in Gerard’s room to watch him draw and babble on and on about comics and rock bands. One night, Gerard wasn’t drawing or talking, he was just lying there face down on his bed, and Mikey was curled up in a corner of the bed, reading comic books. Out of the blue, Gerard looked up and said, “I love you, Mikey.”
Mikey, barely looking up from his comic books, laughed outloud and kicked his brother’s shoulder lightly with his foot. “Don’t be such a girl, Gee.”
Mikey never remembered the incident the next morning, being engrossed in his reading as he was. Gerard never forgot.
It wasn’t that Mikey was always ignoring his brother, it was just that Mikey couldn’t pay close attention every single minute of the day. Gerard knew that, yet he still couldn’t forget.
Gerard wrote lyrics for all of their songs, so people often assumed that he was a poetic person and good with words. This wasn’t necessarily true. Gerard was completely hopeless with words when it came to people he cared deeply about. For this reason, he decided to draw something for Mikey’s birthday in order to say everything he thought he needed to say. It was a clichéd and overdone idea, but he didn’t know what other way to express himself.
After much contemplation, he decided to draw Mikey a comic strip. Coming up with the plot was easy – he knew by heart every single memorable moment of their relationship. The problem was he didn’t know how to end it. This was because he himself didn’t know the ending. He couldn’t even imagine one. In the end, he left the last panel blank.
He put the little piece of his heart in a small box with a small strip of paper that told Mikey not to open it until after the party and especially not in front of anyone else. He didn’t want the whole scene of Jersey to know about his years-long infatuation.
The party was wild and top-knot, but Gerard was too jittery and nervous throughout the whole night to actually register much of what was going on. Not touching a single drop of alcohol didn’t really help either. He actually bolted home before midnight, feeling a little nauseous and cold at the sight of Alicia draping herself all over Mikey. He didn’t think Mikey noticed him leaving.
Gerard didn’t sleep the whole night. He went into the bathroom and tried to throw up several times, but nothing ever came up because he didn’t have anything to eat the previous day. So in the end, he just sat next to the window of his apartment and chain-smoked away the night. His wife was still on tour.
Around five in the morning, the phone rang. He didn’t need to look at the caller ID to know it was Mikey.
“What did you want to draw in the last panel?” Mikey’s voice was quiet, yet there was this lurking sense of slight desperation he knew so well.
Gerard wanted to say what he truly wanted to say, but as stated earlier, he was totally hopeless with words when it came to things that mattered. “When I see that blank panel, I see two different households – me with Lyn-Z and you with Alicia – and there are kids. And. We live on two sides of the road. I can see you through the window of your house. Your house looks warm and vibrant. There are tons of My Chemical Romance posters on the walls. You look happy.”
“What about you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m happy, too.”
“Your idea of happiness sounds like a very unhappy concept, Gerard.” Mikey had said this before. “But I asked about what you want to see, not what you see.”
Gerard felt like someone had stuffed his mouth full of cotton balls. “I want-“ His breath caught in his throat. Maybe he really needed to cut down on the chain-smoking. “I see the two of us in an apartment. It’s a Sunday morning, and I’m making breakfast while you’re sitting there on the kitchen counter holding your coffee mug, zoned out and zombie-faced.” He chuckled, but suddenly felt like choking up instead. “The autumn sunshine is warm on your hair, and I will come over to kiss it lightly then steal your coffee. And. Yeah.”
Neither of them said anything else for several minutes.
“What do you see, Mikey?” In the end, it was Gerard who broke the silence. He said it. He said the dreaded question.
He could hear Mikey take a deep breath on the other end of the line. “I see… a blank panel. It’s… we just don’t know yet, yeah? We never know. Leaving it blank is probably our best ending. Having a set ending just seems too depressing, ‘cause we’re far from the end still, you know? So, just, leave it blank. Leave space for possibilities. Leave a little hope.”
And it was all they could have for now, really. Gerard nodded, although he knew Mikey couldn’t see. His brother suddenly laughed as if he could see it anyway, and they both ended up laughing a little hysterically over the phone for no reasons at all. It felt good though, and for this moment right now, Gerard was content.
“Happy birthday, Mikey.”
“Love you too, Gee.”
And maybe that was enough, for now.
[HP] Broken Minds, Broken Souls (completed)
Postwar. Tinh thần của Hermione bị hủy hoại bởi lời nguyền Cruciatus (Nhục Hình) và Imperio (Độc đoán) của Bellatrix. Draco bị cuốn vào cuộc chiến chính trị nhằm vực dậy danh tiếng của dòng họ Malfoy. Harry, sau khi hoàn thành sứ mệnh của một Đứa-Trẻ-Sống-Sót, nhận ra cuộc sống thời chiến dễ chịu hơn nhiều hiện tại. Hurt/Comfort. Draco/Harry, Harry/Hermione, Draco/Astoria. No het sex implied. OOC!Warning. Complicated time-line.